you left me with a syndrome

I cannot shake your face. Every time i see a commercial for the Army, my heart goes into my throat. I have a very sad moment every March 8 and July 17. The July date always hits me in the face because it is the Anniversary of Disneyland opening as well as our wedding date.

Numerous people have told me that I should not be bothered or acknowledge those dates, because we are no more. Unfortunately, something inside of me broke when our marriage died. I have constant flashbacks of you. Each flashback making me exhale in a deep sigh, fist clenching my heart. Sometimes i get dizzy. People have remarked that the look on my face looks as if I was just told someone died.

Seriously, wtf is wrong with me? Its embarrassing at this point. I've had relationships since you, I am in one right now, and i love him very much. So why is it, that you always show up in my mind? I would love to go to bed without thinking about you. I see your eyes. It gives me the creeps. And no, I am not being treated with anti psychotics.

Actually, I have a suspicion why I still feel this way. Our entire marriage, you were in Germany, and it was my life, my habit to imagine you 24/7 and go to sleep dreaming of when we would meet again. You had only been back for 2 days when I freaked out and disapeared, which was horrid of me and I hate myself for. It really didn't sink in that you were home, and I was so afraid of how you had changed. So we parted. And then you lied about being gone again, so i grieved and missed you and wished for you to return. Then when i finally saw you again it was for you to say goodbye. And well, we were always saying goodbye, it was our routine. I guess I just didn't realize that it was permanent.

Then we met for lunch over divorce papers. You walked in dull and walked out glowing. You complimented my back tattoo and awed over it, even though you had told me my tats were stupid. Yes, I fell for you all over again. We embraced for what seemed like forever. I still have the image of the dingy white painted brick wall next to Subway's door burned into that memory of you holding me. Pathetic, i know. Again, we said goodbye just like we did every other time. Passionately and sad. You told me to get in my car and to leave, you sat in yours and put your head in your hands. I drove away and wrote a song about it.

To make matters more complicated, we started talking on the phone and emailing after that. Some things we knew only each other would understand. Pain was lifting.

Then suddenly and without noticed, your "other" started a full out attack on me based on her insecurity and jealousy over me. Ironic, she had already married you, she had your child, yet she was so afraid of me that she emailed my boyfriend. She caused problems in my life. Yet she was the one who already taken over my life. Anyway, I never heard a word from you again. You never answered another email.

Which leaves me at this conclusion... in my subconscious, we said our regular goodbye, were keeping in touch on the phone and email and suddenly it stopped and ended for good. My heart is foolish, part of me must think you died. You died to me, and part of me went with that death.

Some of your words haunt me. Sitting at Coffee Cartel over italian sodas, you told me "we will be together again, just not right now, i need to work on things, but I see us together again in the future" It haunts me. You know exactly why it haunts me too.

I guess I need to know you aren't dead, because I have things I need to tell you, things I need to come clean about. Things I need to apologize and take responsibility for. Closure.